Wow, that is a lot of tangles in your life right now, ncguyinva. What a challenge to try to solve all of that when you and your W live in different countries. You have so much on your plate right now, and so much to straighten out, I wonder if you shouldn't drop Jennifer (and any other potential new girls) until you get things figured out? That would simplify things a little.

When is your tour over in Iraq?

Why doesn't your W have a job? Do you have kids and she stays home with them? If there are no under school age kids to take care of, I think she could show her dedication to the relationship and not just taking advantage of you financially by getting a job right now. She doesn't need to wait for a divorce for that. If there are school age kids, she could at least get a part-time job while they are at school. Maybe she won't find her ideal job, but just something to bring in some money would go a long way toward showing you she is not just staying married to take of advantage of your salary.

Do you and your W consider yourselves separated? I know when I separated from my H (he is the primary breadwinner and I work part-time and we have 2 kids), I needed some way to keep income from him coming to me to help support the kids. The legal way to get this is for the wife to file a petition/order for temporary support. The judge looks at this and says OK, husband, you need to pay wife X number of dollars a month for the kids (and her own support) until you are legally separated or divorced. Then that is how much you have to pay, but it probably wouldn't be your entire salary, which is what it sounds like you are probably sending her now. So if you are separated, you could still send her some money, but put the rest in the bank until the legal separation or divorce. The other way to work it out is to agree between yourselves how much money you will send her, and bypass the courts. If you don't want to send her any money, and there are kids, she will probably file the temporary order of support so she can get some money from you until the divorce. (My H and I agreed between ourselves that he would continue to provide some support for me and the kids until we worked out the divorce. So I didn't have to file a temporary order, which saved attorney fees.)

Was the issue with your wife that there was infidelity or that she just went out with friends too much (and you didn't like that)? In my opinion, there are lots of ways to relieve stress other than infidelity. I hope she's not using that as an excuse for her behavior (if infidelity occurred). So while it may be good she realizes she was stressed out due to her problems and this precipitated her behavior, the key question is, what is she doing about her problems? What problems does she have? Is she working on them with the therapist?

What do you mean it starts the separation all over again? If you reconcile then you wouldn't be separated, so it would be starting to live together again, not be separated again. I think I'm missing a key point here....

Why did she need the divorce the last day before you went to Iraq? It is not so easy to time your divorce exactly. I don't get why she needed it on a certain day. And she said you wanted it on your last day in Iraq. I'm confused. Why are you guys so concerned with when the exact last day will be? You two have a lot to work out before fixating on a date. And it sounds like communications are not working well between the two of you (lots of confusion).

If you do not have too much longer in Iraq, can you wait until you return and then go to couples counseling together? When you return, you would not have to live together if that was the best solution, but you could still go to counseling.

A big question for me, is whether there are kids. If no kids, she should go to work right away. This would be a good faith effort on her part to reassure you she is just not hanging on to you for your paycheck.

Do you want to stay with her? What further information do you need to make that decision?

Does she want to stay with you?

Hope you can get some clarity on this, but it may be hard to figure everything out exactly as long as you are in Iraq. Good luck.