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I am hurting so bad inside. Confused and just plain in denial and yet knowing I am in denial..I apoligize in advance as I have struggled with trying to figure out how I could even write how I feel and how it could even possibly make sense? I have shut down my parts so much the pain is so bad...Blocking them out blocking me out too really...I the person that really is in control most of the time is not really "me" either? If that makes sense? That person died many years ago when I was 17 when a tragic even took place in my life...I mean I can recall it vividly..It was like that day I felt myself "the real me" so to speak leave and then the "me" that can control and deal with life as it is now come and take control...I hope this makes some sense..Point is the person that is "me" now is harsh and just matter of fact..No real emotions dosen't show love but does for the sake of not wanting to harm the children as we do love the children so much and the husband too he's a great guy really....I the "me" now personality is like I really hate the huggy love you mushy stuff though you know? Anyhow all this emotions in the body are allot to deal with allot..They are over flowing and it's very uncomfortable in here with everything flashbacks, anger, sadness, self-harm ideas so far we have NOT done that again so that's been very good for us well that's not true we did si about 2 weeks ago, but point is not sure what to do...Confused to start allowing this system to come out and function in such an uncontrolled manner. Tdoc knows we have these parts and it was getting to the part that a trust might have been enough for her to see that part just maybe then BAM everything shut up inside and down the cement walls came and closed up inside to keep under lock and vault. My youngest girl keeps asking me where the "others" are and how come they dont come out anymore? That hurts all of them inside and actually brings me to tears too? I am not sure what to do? I feel that I can't handle allowing this dx to be part of my familys life. Things are hectic enough and I have to be there staple in there life and be active and not falling apart or not being there one minute and another part another and then not remembering what's happening..Although the not remembering still does happen can't get rid of that I can play it off better. If any of you can at least just be there to listen I know it's alot to understand I would appreciate it..I feel so lost and alone right now...I don't even want to tell my best-friend (hubby) how I am feeling as I don't want to disappoint him. I feel badly that I can't just get over this...I almost feel like it's bad enough I might need to go back to the hospital it's so overwhelming but the last three times I went there coming back was so bad they over medicated me so badly it took me months to recuperate so that's not an option..I also feel like I don't want to trust my T and she's great I just feel it's me trying to pull away cuz I don't want to trust her? Any words would be great I am so scared, confused and alone...Thanks for listening...
Misery
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I keep running but the past is still following!
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