CC...You sound a lot like me, at least in the observations I've made about disassociation, only to realize later on how my behavior was affected by my upbringing. As I read your words:
The difficulty is that I know that I've internalized it from my family especially my mother and it happens automatically and I am often unaware until days later when I am talking about a situation. But, when we talk about it I become extremely defensive and dissociate. And, the after effect is increased suicidal ideation, feeling "bad" and increased urges to cut.

This is a difficult place to be in sometimes I know that it is like a flashback and other times, I can't seem to separate. I am also having increased nightmares and flashbacks.

Back when I was in counseling, when the therapist would broach the subject of my upbringing, my family of origin, I was dismissive, and skirted around the subject of my parents, particularly my mother, who was abusive -- emotionally, verbally and especially physically.

Only recently have I come to terms with how all of that affected me, and I am processing it little bits at a time. And, yes, there are flashbacks, waking from sleep frequently. But unlike not dealing with it in my past, I am able now to process it, seeing clearly how I was conditioned to behave and feel as I have all my life.

Too much to talk about here, other than to say that I think your therapist is doing a good job (and this is not something I often say). It's damn hard work. I hope you will gain healing by this difficult passage.

Love
Patty