Aww, you guys, (and gals) are tremendous friends to let me pour such raw emotion out and except it and love me through it. Thank you for your kindnesses and replies. Ryan, I gave my baby away today, Jennie the ferret. A good home with lots of love. Still hard but necessary. I have not cut, am trying to look to other things but in this coming week it will be an issue that needs to be dealt with as the crap on a stick is ready to hit the fan. Fury is so cute. Too bad she was right about the fan. i really value you guys. it means so much to me that you care to read my mini novels on here.