I agree that there are a lot of times that we can never find closure with the other person in the relationship that fell apart, whatever kind of relationship that may be. Talking with that person, as long as it is safe to do so, is the best way to find closure but we are not always given that opportunity. What this whole thread was supposed to be about was learning where we, *I*, make our mistakes so that we don't repeat the same errors in present and future relationships. That is almost a guarantee to happen if we don't learn from our mistakes. When a relationship ends we need to learn why it ended. I also think that it is rarely the fault of only one of the people in th relationship, both people have responsibility to the break-up, so we can't take on all of the blame, and I personally don't do that. However, even though I say that, I have had a few prior relationships where the other person put ALL of the blame on me and accepted none of it themselves. But, I can see errors that each of them made that contributed to the end of the relationship, whether they see it or not.

Back to closure. For me, it is hard to let something go, when I don't know all of the whys because it is the whys that will help me to learn from it and move on. When I'm not given that opportunity, I have to meditate on it by myself and try to analyze what happened that caused the demise of the relationship. When I have to do this on my own, without the other person's input, then I only see things through my eyes and may not be looking at it objectively, therefore missing some key information that I will drag into all of my other relationships, therefore making them just as toxic and sealing their fate just the same.

To make the situation even more complicated for me is when the person leaves me for something that was misunderstood. I want desperately to explain what I meant or what I did but I'm not given that chance. What if I was, would the relationship still be intact? How can I let go of something that fell apart because of an untruth? It frustrates the hell out of me that I'm not given an opportunity to explain. Maybe that person would still be in my life. Just look at this thread as an example. I misunderstood Tgr. When I got upset, she still hung in there with me, we talked it out, we resolved it, our friendship is intact. That's all I've ever wanted in all of those other relationships. I wasn't given the chance. I can't even put into words how frustrating that is for me, that something could be resolved if the other person would just stay and communicate with me.

What I end up doing when I can't find closure with the other person from the relationship, is I bring that relationship into therapy and it is discussed with my t. If I still care deeply for the person, I find it extremely difficult to let that person go out of my life (emotionally), they've already left physically. I have to mourn the loss of that person the same as you would mourn from a divorce or death. It's all the same. In fact, death is much easier to deal with because you know there is absolutely no way that you will ever be able to reunite with the person, but if by any other means, I usually want to reconciliate with the person because I still care deeply for them, because I'm the person who was left behind and not the person who left because I wanted to.

Letting go is extremely hard for me, of anything. Same thing with my traumas, I've yet to let any of them go. I don't know how. I want to, but I don't know how. That's one reason I'm in therapy, is to learn how to let go. I guess as far as ended relationships are concerned, part of it is that I don't WANT to let go because I still have deep feelings for the person and I want them back, such is the case with my best friend that I lost last year.

How do you stop wanting someone you still love very much just because they don't want you? I don't know how to stop loving someone on the stop of a dime. If you could do that, then was it really love to begin with? I guess that is the key for me, I need to find out how to stop loving a person that I love very much. OK, now I'm in tears again.