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multipixie9 · 06:47 AM

this is my first thread in this area. in 1992 i saw my chart for a minute when i was in-hospital for depression after my mother's death. in the chart i was labeled Borderline Personality Disorder. i knew nothing about it. i also saw the words "very needy".

i saw this chart as labelling me in negative ways and my response was a deep feeling of shame and inadequacy. (i was suicidal at the time so i was not thinking straight) i had previous labels as PTSD and after this time was dx as mpd/did which has been something i've been working with for 14 years and it all gets lumped together as i work with my T. so, all that to say this:

i've avoided this one dx like the plague and also the words abandonment issues. i struggled with d.i.d. a lot before i accepted its reality in my life. but i do not want to believe i am BPD. for some reason that seems horrible, shameful-like it means i am a terrible and defective person. i do not even remember who put that dx in my chart, it was no one i worked with for long - i was in-hospital 2 1/2 weeks and miraculously cured (when insurance money ran out)

! there were 3 generations at least of

childhood issues of physical, emotional, sexual and satanic ritual abuse, neglect and just general bad luck all around on both sides of our family! i'm being a bit flippant because my history is so bleak if i write it seriously it feels like i'm doing an "oh poor me" pitch which embarrasses me. at 18, i could no longer cope, became suicidal and was helped for the first time in life by becoming a Christian. that has been the one thing in my life that has remained as beneficial,stablizing and life-affirming.

last night i began reading in this area of pc.com that i've always avoided. i am wondering if any of you who have this problem could steer me to online information or really good books on BPD and anything that i could perhaps get for my spouse. we've been married 28 years and it has been no picnic for either of us and i have a dream of us somehow healing and changing enough to enjoy our older years together in a way we have not been able to enjoy the first years. (when we married i believed i was a virgin with no sexual experience-i blocked completely some horrific things i went through from infancy on), i'll stop there, i dont wish to trigger anyone or offend) so we married idealistically and the day we married i was so scared it is astounding. blocked abuse began to stir more when i had my first baby and fear for her safety began to haunt me without me knowing what i feared, but it was fear she would somehow be accessed and abused like me.

though i've had a horrible bunch of trials i realize that it has made me hard to be married to, some early mistakes my spouse made were misinterpreted by me as him being untrustworthy and for years i did not trust him, which was exaggerated and unfair. so we stayed together and grew apart and we are both suffering and we do not want to be divorced.due to my years of depression, painpill addiction and erratic behavior i have little credibility with my husband, he also doesn't believe mpd/did exists and believes that if i would just get my problems solved it would all be better because he feels he is stable and ok and i am the real problem.

sorry to take so long to get things said. but if anyone has any ideas, suggestions for self-help or ways to talk to my T about factoring BPD in with all the other dx i am "blessed" with

, i would appreciate it. i can write matter of factly about all of this, but inside i feel like a horrible failure in many essential areas of life in ways that hurt the people in my family. i do not want them to live forever walking on eggshells. thank you for listening and any responses that may be offered.

leslie