I just don't want to go anymore. I mean, I've felt this way a few times before. In fact, it seems to be a sort of cycle I go through every once in awhile. Things get too painful, and I want to quit. Then I go back in and my t and I talk about it. Things are better for awhile. Until the next time things get so painful they overwhelm me again. But the cycle is getting old. I'm tired of hurting so much. I'm just plain tired. And I'm losing hope that my problems can ever be resolved.

There are times we talk about my past, about how I needed my mom to be there for me, and yet she wasn't. It makes me cry and doubles me over in pain. And I just feel so desperate for a kind hug from my t, for her to hold my hand and give me the comfort I never had. What's so wrong with that? Why do I have to go through feeling such pain and not having rescue and comfort? Isn't that the same thing I experienced as a child? If that was traumatic for me, then why is therapy replicating that? I can't stand it to work so hard to break down the walls and let myself be vulnerable -- and overcome my shame to admit that I need physical comfort -- and then for my t not to act on it, not to offer it. Oh sure, she's kind about it. She'll let me talk about how and why I need it all I want to. But it doesn't make much difference. She still does not reach out to give me the sort of comfort I am desperate for.

I'm starting to think that therapy is just not worth the pain and expense involved. All roads seem to lead to the pain of unmet needs that cannot be met now either. I am tired of looking at the pain without getting relief. What's the point?