Also, as a childhood victim of SA, I feel that I am being punished now for what happened to me then. I know that my t hugs some of her patients at the end of each session (she told me this awhile back). So it is not a matter of her having a "no touch" policy. Noooo. She has a "no touch" policy with me. Why? Because I'm a victim of SA.

Therapists are always telling us "It wasn't your fault," "You aren't to blame for what happened," "You should not have suffered unwanted, unsafe touch." But do they want to help us learn safe touch? NO! It's too messy, it's not worth the risk trying to straighten out the hurt little girl inside us who feels shame and has mixed messages about touch. Better to stay away from us with a 10-foot pole, so as not to trigger us. But for those of us who only experienced unsafe touch, and never got safe, nurturing physical comfort from our parents, it can be a desperate need to comforted when we re-experience the pain now. For the t to withhold it feels just like what happened with our parents when we were in need and they didn't do anything to stop the pain or comfort us. It feels like rejection and abandonment.

I fully understand how, for an SA survivor, physical touch in therapy has it's potential dangers. We could be triggered by it. It could remind us of our past abuse. We could have body memories come back to us and then feel shame about it. But isn't therapy the place to work through those reactions? Isn't that a big reason why we came to therapy in the first place? Because we have issues involving nurture, touch, abuse, and shame? I applaud those of you who are getting quick results using methods like EMDR or EFT. But it doesn't work very well for me. It's not a quick fix. i don't understand what i am supposed to do about my feelings of shame or the way my abuse has skewed my feelings about nurturing touch, comfort, and intimacy. I thought that my t would help me to straighten out those skewed responses and re-teach the child part of me about safe touch, and that by giving hugs or comfort, I would learn over time that it is good and OK and healing, not dangerous. But apparently, that's not going to happen. I feel like an untouchable freak.