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TuesdayM · Jan 07, 2009, 04:44 PM

I got divorced +- 18 months ago - we were seperated for 8 months before that. I was the one who wanted the divorce [people always seem to need to know who called it] - the honest truth, when i look back, deep down i knew it would end in a divorce, though desperately hoped it wouldn't. If i had any courage at all, i should have called of the wedding. Having said that, i know i learned invaluable lessons and went through important growth stages that i had missed out on during my marriage, so i'm never going to term it a 'mistake'.

Today we are extremely good friends, as i had hoped we'd be, and since time has passed, he does see the decision, though painful to work through was the right one. Like your ex, i tried to offer an explanation, but to him most of the reasons i could give weren't really concrete enough to end a 5 year marriage.

Basically, and quite simply, i didn't love him in the way a woman should love her husband to make them both happy. Not sure if that makes any sense? He was, still is, my best friend, someone i could be so at ease with, share everything with, laugh at the same things, enjoy the same experiences. So then why couldn't it work? It felt like living with my brother in a way, or maybe just platonic? No chemistry? And yes, i know that chemistry doesn't last and the passion fades etc etc, but i felt like if i had never felt that for him, the base on which we built a life would be missing a key part. The physical side of a relationship is either small, or huge, depending on which side of the fence you sit, but not feeling sexually attracted to your partner isn't without conflict & tension. Everything else about our relationship was great, but when it came down to sex, i got to the point where i simply couldn't do it, and when i'd run out of excuses, or his silent anger was too much to bear, i would talk myself into doing it. One day, after finding myself sitting on the bathroom floor, crying, because having just forced to have sex with him, i could no longer live in the bubble of denial, that the 'problem' would never go away, & i had to do something about it.

Just because you're the one doing the hurting, it doesn't mean you don't hurt too. The guilt and emotional turmoil are very had to bear - this was someone that i love & respect, and had a life with, hurting him weighed heavily on me for a long long time. I cried for his and our hurt more than i ever thought it was possible for someone to cry, and it didn't ease the pain for either of us. The only thing that did, was time.

I think you're right in saying that no explanation he gave you would be good enough, as the enormity of a break up that you don't want, is never easy to take in & accept.

You're not ready to date, so don't do it, you'll just feel crap and beat yourself up. However, the fact that the boys are beating down your door is a GOOD thing lucky girl!! But only when you're ready. And sweethear, you are sooooo young!! Do not believe that you are 'getting on' at 27!!! I'm 38 and can honestly tell you that life in your thirties is WAY better than your 20's. So you wanted to marry and have kids early? Well, i think that before too long, as time heals you, you'll realize that he saved you from a far worse situation. Having a marriage end in divorce is more difficult than the obvious things. If there are kids involved - 10 x worse! The hurt and confusion you're going through now would surely not be worse than him becoming emotionally abusive, having an affair, running off with no explanation or warning etc etc etc.

I hope you get the support you deserve from your friends and famiy - it's a big turning point in your life. Any life changing event [only in my very unexpert opinion of course!] is also an opportunity for us to grow within ourselves. It doesn't make it easier sadly, but you'll pull through, and be happier for it.

Good luck, best best wishes and warm thoughts to you