Trigger warning......talk of abuse and death>>>>>

I have a really hard time crying in front of people. I have heard people say that they able to go in and cry their eyes out with their T.

Is is typical to not be able to cry in front of T?

Today I actually did a little but I really did not want to, I tried so hard to contain it but it finally came out a little. I had told my T that I felt really lonely this week. To the point where I had cried myself to sleep every night this past week. Even had woken up during the night only to have the tears come then as well. We talked a little and then she asks the big question. Asks, do you have any thoughts of harming yourself, I said no because my siblings would not be able to handle that, its not even an option. That was somewhat a lie, I have had thoughts, I just don't think I would act on them do to that reason I didn't want her to know I had those thoughts.

So we tried to figure out where this loneliness stems from, I came to the conclusion that it was looking over childhood pictures that brought it up. They were pictures I had not seen in years. I found myself getting very angry with my mom from memories that the pictures sparked. So I wrote a letter to my mom, a letter of anger. I realize that it made me feel terribly guilty for feeling like that towards my mom. Because I don't have her anymore and my anger towards her is far less than how much I want and miss her.

The thing that finally broke me in the session...... something that came gushing out was.......I felt so bad for finally disclosing to my mom this past year that my step-dad, whom my mom was still married to had sexually abused me when I was really young. I tied this to her dying, because she was diagnosed with cancer not too long after I shared this news with her. I have this tremendous guilt that she just gave up because this news was too much for her. She was such a strong women, yet she died so quickly over night. I have this huge fear that she didn't even fight because she couldn't deal with what I told her. Like I made her give up.

My T says this is a heavy load to carry that its not my fault but I can't wrap my brain around that right now. I didn't cry long because of my issue with crying in front of people but those thoughts hit me and I couldn't push them away. When I was finally able to contain myself, I glanced up and I could see that my T had teared up some. I know she heard me.

I was all over the place in session. I think I let too much out. I finally shared with her of the third person who had sexually abused when I was younger.

My T thinks some of my loneliness has to do with the little girl in me missing out on having someone protect me and love me. She tried to explain that to me but intellectualization kicked in on my part and I couldn't receive that just yet. I am more angry with myself for not saying anything or doing anything when I was younger.

She wants me to make a box to contain letters (of bad memories) in. That sounds really silly to me as well. I told her that Dang , I am a difficult client.....(she didn't say that lol..I just thought it). She says if I don't do this at home that she is going to bring in a box, some magazines, and glue and we are just have to make one together. I thought that was sweet of her.

I feel like my mind was all over the place in today's session, I wonder if she was just as stressed hearing all this info...as I was in sharing it.

Hangingon