As some of you may or may not know I wrote a post last week about a hard time I was having and wether to email my T or not to be honest with her about how I was feeling after our apt and how I am just holding everything in and putting on a front for everyone. Well today did not go well at my apt and she gave me 2 choices part way through our meeting after I shared some info with her. She said I could be hospitalized or she could call my mom since I live at home (that would be the person to contact) even though not the one I would want her to share the info with, but hospitalization was not a choice plus my mom would just find out what was going on if I were to get hospitalized. Now I am feeling more miserable. I am home from my apt, my therapist spoke briefly to my mom and I have followed through on all her request since I got home but I feel bad burden my mom and worrying her and I feel ashamed of how I am feeling even though I can't get the neg thoughts our of my mind. I feel like I am losing ground and have not much hope. I wonder if I can do this. I have no one to talk to but my therapist and even she said it is often like pulling teeth to get me to talk about what needs to be talked about. Why is my life such as mess? Why am I having such bad feelings? I can't afford for this to be happening and I can't afford to be hospitalized. I already have had to take sick leave the past two years and it is not looked upon well. I feel like I am being hit by a tornado and everything is whirling around and I am caught in the funnel and can't get out. What do I do does anyone understand. I feel as though I am getting back to my lowest low. sinking and sinking fast and now things are not just in my control. I feel like a kid no5 being trusted.
Andy