I know, i just wish that i could actually be there in person, so that i could actually meet her, even if she is dead.. IRL.. You know? That's one of the biggest regrets I have at the moment, not meeting her and not going to the funeral... Yeah, maybe I do care a lot about people, but.. I act as though I care more about my feelings more than i do their's.. If that makes sense.. I feel that I act that way, anyway...

Everyone at college keeps calling me Kat, after my tutor, because I wear a red jacket that's like hers, and I have black rimmed designer glasses.. And apparently I talk like her too sometimes.. I hate to have that sort of a reputation, because I am nothing like Kat, in fact I deteste Kat!! Plus, we don't have even the slihgtest similarity in our singing voices or styles and we're both different shapes and sizes! Huh, I'm fatter than her!

I can't help but restrict.. I'm sick of the way I look.. next Monday (I start restricting and starving at the beginning of the week it's a thing I have to do, or it doesn't feel right) will be the day when i starve as much as i possibly can, without anyone noticing..

I had choir, and Hannah, Naylor, a girl I used to go to school with who is in the year below me, fainted.. Kat saw her face go white and shouted for people to catch her and they didn't know what she was on about until Hannah feel and hit the back of her head on the radiator. It was completely out of character for her.. But we're thinking it's because it was boiling hot in the room, with barely any air coming into the room (fresh air) and she was right in front of the radiator, plus because she was singing, she was taking in more air than usual so if it was her first lesson of the day, she'd have not had the chance to get her brain used to air circulating so much as when she's talking.. So yeah, her brain overloaded with air and caused her to faint. I almost cried! I was really peeved off because I knew what to do yet Kat would only let Gemma in, who didn't have a clue what she was doing. I mean, come on.. My Mum has epilepsy, and has had fits around me, I've got a history of epilepsy and have had quite a few fits.. About 3 I believe in the past year or so.. Plus, I've helped people who have fainted and have done a first aid course! GRRR!! Ahh well, she's gone to hospital to get her head checked, make sure there's no internal damage and opefully she'll be ok now.

I'm not afraid of fainting or colapsing or anything like that if i don't eat.. If anything, I see it as a bonus.. Something to show me that I'm doing good.. This week is restriction week, next week starvation. :S I can't help it, i have to shed all this weight.. On Friday I have step aerobics, I need to work as hard as i can with that.. I think it's on for an hour or two. Can't wait! All the more calories being burnt off

I've told Kat that I've decided that I don't want to go to uni and my reasons why.. i haven't heard anything back from her, but I'm betting she's really p*ssed off with me. I couldn't care less to be perfectly honest.. At the moment I don't care what happens to me, so long as Georgie's ok, I'm ok. She'll be moving closer to me, into the town where I live so we can keep an eye on each other because we worry about each other so much..

I have a bit of a medical question now.. Me being me, burnt myself when I was cooking. It was an accident, as i was getting something out of the oven, but after it happened, I felt quite satisfied with myself.. Now, I popped the pus bubble that was there, today and it's looking a little bit yellow underneath.. and quite red, slightly hot to the touch too.. Could this be the oncomings of an infection? I was lucky that Connor calmed down last night, or he'd have had a lot to say to me today, if I'd gone ahead and punched a wall so hard that I'd broke my hand. Oops. I just feel the need to feel so much pain at the moment.. Not quite sure why.. And now, onto the womanly stuff.. I'm due on my period this week and normally, the cramps I get are just about bearable.. But this week, and last month, they were extreme, overly extreme, excruciating pain.. I mean, i was almost late to one of my lessons because they were so bad that I couldn't walk.. Could it be down to so much stress? I was due yesterday/today, and I still haven't come on, I'm nopt too worried, but.. Come tomorrow if it still hasn't happened, I'm going to be in panic mode.. I've got a pregnancy test on Monday anyway, but.. Still.. I don't want to find out I've got a baby on the way! Connor'd go mad!

Thank you, you're always in my thoughts too
I just wish that things weren't seemingly so impossible at the moment..