Then why the hell am I so easy to hurt? I used to be shy, sure, and quiet a lot of the time, keeping myself to myself, keeping out of trouble, so why abuse me when I cause no trouble whatsoever and do everything in my power to make things ok, to make it stop??!! I feel empty at the moment.. And by this time next week, it'll not only be my heart and mind that feels partly empty, my stomach will be completely empty too...

I'm letting myself go on sites to find out how many calories are in certain amounts of foods, how much fat, won't count anything that's above a certain tiny number of calories or a tiny amount of fat.. It's insane.. But yet, I'm grotesque.. Even Connor's commented on the fact that before xmas, I was putting on weight, that over xmas (because I ate less because of what he said and how I felt).. I know I've put more weight on again and I daren't weigh myself yet.. not until next week whe starvation starts.. Then I'll weigh myself every day to see how well I'm doing.. I make myself sick with all the stretchmarks and flabby thighs and love handles that I was so proud of not having, with stretchmarks all over my sides.. Luckily not on my belly.. Like Charlene.. But still.. If I carry on like this, I'll get that bad..

Tomorrow, whilst Connor stays in my room to do his college work (he's staying over eek!! ), I'll be doing step aerobics for two hours, to shed this.. then next week, it'll be the gym every other day and, again.. Step aerobics.. But with yoga in between too.. Sound obsessive and over exercising? Not to me.. To me it means T.H.I.N.

I can't help it.. Kaz, the receptionist is sat eating soup or something and I sit here, smelling it thinking "blurgh, i want to go and throw up now" *shudders* I make myself feel sick looking at myself.. I grab flabs of fat, I'm starting to get "tyres" they may only be when I sit down and bend over, but still.. They're There!!! I can't help but just see fat and spots and grease glistening on my face.. Everything I hate.. Is there.. On ME. Well this time it's different.. No matter how much pain I have to endure, I will get to where i want to be.. Maybe then people like that tw*t rapist won't come after me..