Sittingatwatersedge,

i had my therapy session yesterday, and we had a heart-to-heart talk about my desire/need for physical comfort. i do not think that she has held back from touch because of some link with her own childhood or because it triggers her. She told me that she has always picked up from me "ambivalence" when it comes to getting closer and/or connecting with her. She says that even though I've told her for a long time that i want to connect and need to feel securely attached with her, i will come a little closer, and then push her away. come closer. push away. Her concern is that there is a part of me that very much wants nurturing and safe touch because i never got that as a child. But there is another part of me that views it as dangerous, because as a child, my abuser both comforted and molested me. I guess she is correct, that there is a part of me that feels either fear or shame about getting physical comfort. but it is not because i'm afraid she would ever abuse or harm me. i think it's just an automatic reaction (like "fight or flight."). Over and over again, I feel desperate for comfort while I'm in pain, but i never come out and ask for it face to face. and sometimes when i think about getting that from her, i do feel a little ripple of fear.

the thing is, in order to heal, i think that i need to learn safe touch and comfort and un-link it in my mind with being hurt or abused. most of my traumas are all linked together and in some way connected with lack of nurturing vs. need for it, trust vs. betrayal of trust, comfort vs. abuse, etc. I know that for some people, they can do EMDR a few times and then bing*bang*boom, it seems to unlink and heal everything. but for some reason, the quick fix never works for me.

i have wondered why i feel such a huge need for physical comfort when i am triggered and seem to regress into my child state. Why don't coping skills or visualizations or logical explanations seem to fix me? The only thing i can come up with is that maybe my core issues took place when i was so young that the only way for them to be un-learned is to do it at the age level where the trauma happened. i know that sounds crazy, but it almost feels like a very, very old preverbal need. if i could actually *feel* physical comfort and learn it is safe, and over time i would learn to un-link it with fear or abuse, then it seems like i would finally heal. then again, maybe i am just crazy.

i really, really relate to what you said about being in t's office, hunkered down and trying to ward off the pain. . .but then learning that the experiences over time are "stretching" you. maybe part of the lesson we need to learn is that the pain -- even though it feels unendurable -- is actually tolerable and a way that we become stronger??