First, a warning that this post might be a little graphic for some, so please do not read if this might be an issue for you. I'm sorry in advance.

Hi Clara,

I am going to write hoping that it will help us both in some way.

I am just coming to terms with all of my past in terms of my sexuality. I won't go into some of the details, only what I think might pertain to your situation. I also have an almost impossible time having an orgasm with anyone. I was married (once) for 2 years, and it was a huge effort for my ex to get me to climax. There was no way I could do it without direct stimulation and it took forever sometimes.

He became a totally different person on the day that we got married. He completely changed and told me specifically that now he could treat me any way that he wanted, now that I was married to him. He was very emotionally abusive. He had his moments of kindness, but overall he had huge issues to deal with. Married 5 times (which everyone says should have been my first clue)

Prior to being married, I had always faked it with guys. I would have sex with them and then masturbate when they left the room. I was game for anything that they wanted sexually, but it wasn't because I was giving myself to them. I would always sort of detach when it came to sex. I loved to be dominated and was very attracted to S & M. I would seek guys out that liked to spank.

For me, all of this came from being abused as a child and being sexualized so early in life. I love sex, just not with men or real people. I would rather have the fantasy and pleasure myself rather than be "hurt" by a person.

If nothing else, you are so not alone in how you feel. Sex is not bad. Its just that for me, someone planted that thought in my head by their actions, and I have to fight it all the time.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It has to be hard while married. I know it was for me.