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eskielover · Jan 08, 2009, 08:41 PM

Mary,

I am so sorry you are going through all these horrible feelings along with the internal battle that exists. It seems that this time of year tends to bring out more intense feelings than any other time of year. Probably because long ago when the trauma's were occuring, this time of year always stood out & had something more difficult to deal with than all the other times of year.

I know that for me, all the struggles & trauma, seemed to occur in my life between November & January, & what I have gone through is nothing compaired to the trauma's & abuses that you have gone through. I can understand how horrible this struggle must be for you.

Your one therapist was right in how strong you truely are to have survived the abuse that you have gone through. It takes a strength to survive traumas, but in surviving them, the techniques that we used to survive are what we have to struggle with later on in life. I know how horrible it is to be in the middle of something horrible & not be able to say anything, or do anything to stop it, let alone have anyone believe what you are saying (if you are able to even say anything) about what is going on......then to be accused of being the bad person just so they can cover up the bad they are doing. I have experienced these feelings just a few years ago as an adult with an adults point of view & better knowledge or who is right or wrong. Knowing how badly this effected me mentally & physically, I can understand how it would effect a child growing up & having it continue over an extended period of time. I am sure that sometimes there is the wish that we hadn't survived it, but I always look at it as being God's wish that I live through the trauma because somewhere farther along in my life there will be a purpose for my survival.....that purpose might just be to help someone else & see something important because of what I have gone through that will help someone else be able to excape or avoid being in the middle of a similar trauma. I know for me, there is always good that comes out of bad things that happen in my life. Sometimes I don't get a chance to see what that good is....other times, it becomes obvious.

Sorting through what is going on internally to be able to get to that point is difficult & a long road to walk......I know my feeling was that of being in the middle of a hurricane or tornado. Where I am picked up in the whirling wind with all the other flying objects picked up also.....it seemed that every time I thought I was getting it, I would be whacked by some other flying object & flung into the whriling wind again.

There are times when life still feels that way, but over this last year, I have been able to sort through a lot of my life & see things that I hadn't seen before & I can only give God the thanks for this.

I am sorry I didn't see your post earlier to respond but I have been away from here mostly over the last few months. Life has been a bit difficult here with so many things to take care of now that I am completely alone. Just handling the dogs in the winter weather is a challenge along with other problems that continually seem to surround me on a daily basis.....but none are too great for me to handle & life is really good in the overall picture.

I hope that you will be able to find the trust you need to have in your T, that your T is not knowing these things to hurt you, or to look at you as less of a person or even as being a bad person. I have learned over the years (55 for another month) that evil people like to make us look like the bad ones & lift themselves up to look like saints......but we have to focus on the REALITY of the situation & the identify the bad that is really being done to us & that we have done absolutely NOTHING bad in REALITY. Your T getting to see these things will be helping in pointing out the reality of the situation you survived & pointing out what you mentally had to do to survive the trauma you were forced to live through. This shows up only the victim status you were living with for so many years, & being a victim has nothing to do with being a BAD person yourself.

I hope that some of this makes sense & might help a bit. I know that I do not understand DID very well but some logical thinking is valid no matter what mental illness we are dealing with. Problem is that mental illnesses usually prevent us from that logical thinking that we desperately need to get better....that is where the guidance from the T comes in.

I hope you are doing better as it's been some time since you posted this thread. Know that I have been thinking about you even though I haven't been here to post.

Take care & know that I care,

Debbie