Quote:
Originally Posted by andycamp
 I am not sure I can take this anymore. My heart aches, I feel exhausted, emotinaly drained and like I am just slowly spiraling down. I try so hard all day to be upbeat and social at work with those I work with so no one will catch on that something is wrong but truth be told I think it just drains me more but I can't let others think something is wrong I can't risk losing my job and have already had to take sick leave the past 2 years. I have pretending everything is ok at home as well or at least ok, hiding the fact how bad things are till yesterday when at my therapist she asked my how things really were and when she finally dragged it out of me she left me with 2 options to be hospitalized or to call my mom and to fill her in so she knew I would be ok. After she pulled the truth out of me and left me with 2 options neither that I liked or wanted to agree to  I couldn't talk and spent most of the time crying trying to say something with not much being able to come out. At some point yesterday my T said that it is often like pulling teeth to get information out of me which has left me thinking maybe therapy isn't working maybe I should stop or at least take a break. Shes right if I can't open up and speak about what needs to be talked about maybe I shouldn't be in therapy. My world is falling apart, my heart is crushed, I feel exhausted and yet somewhat numb. If I stop seeing my T then do I stop seeing my med provider who is in the same suite they work together, Maybe I should just try going off my meds and not seeing my therapist maybe a new approach would work. Maybe I just need to do something different and there are only two options that I can think of. Oh I just want to go somewhere and hide. I don't know if I should email my therapist before next wed and cancel the apt to at least take a week off, should I tell her I just need time. or should I just not show up. Can she force me to see her? Then there would be explaining to my mom who I live with why I wasn't going. I feel so trapped. I feel like a kid. Oh if only there was another option. Does anyone have advice has anyone been in this low of lows before. How have you gone on. I want to cry but even the tears I think have dried up. Even my breathing feels like it hurts at this point. I am sorry I think I am rambling I don't know what to do I'm afraid if I stop typing then things will just get worst. Falling apart and not sure I can pick the pieces up maybe that is just how it just supose to be.  |
Hi AndyCamp, i'm Claudia, a somewhat newer member, but full of sage advice for you.
Now don't panic, just slow down and breathe. That's the first thing to do when your mind is awhirl. We are all here for you and right this moment it is me. So, you say you have a great therapist, so stay with her. Yes, you are feeling vulnerable, something you are not used to, eh? (I'm from Canada, btw) But this is good. You are doing good work. You are learning how to open up more and often. This is good. Maybe painful, but good.
No need to cut all ties immediately. That's your panic talking. Give yourself some time to make the right decision. Yes, it's difficult to open up during therapy, no doubt about it. But no need to jump off the deep end, just because it's a skill that does not come easy to you yet. Try little things first. Open up to only one thing each week. Take baby steps till you feel stronger. Don't let your therapist scare you or discourage you. She just needs you to step it up a notch. Trust her so she can help you.
At work you put so much pressure on yourself. Relax at little. Yes, still smile, but you don't have to do cartwheels to impress anyone. You are exhausting yourself. You won't lose your job, just go easy. Nobody can see your turmoil on the inside. You are safe. It's all ok, just take a deep breath through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth, and repeat a few times.
Yeah, that's it. You got it!
Ahhh ....