welcome to pc  , glad you found us. since you are in highschool you could see your school guidance counselor and tell her/him how you are feeling. it's a start towards getting to the root of what's going on. also are you comfotable discussing this with a parent?
there are many ways of dealing with the feelings you are having plus the bad thoughts about "S". it's time to act on this before it escalates any further.
others here will offer you good suggestions. those are the first two that came to my mind. i hope this helps you. we care that you are not feeling ok. 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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