Hi, W,
I have not read all the posts on this thread, and wanted to reply before doing so. There is a fellow who wrote a book called "The Mirages of Marriage" a long time ago, and advanced the idea of 'quid pro quo.'

It's the idea (as I understand it) of tit-for-tat or you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours; something for something. And, I thought it was a totally interesting view of relationship issues.

So, one doesn't just change to suit the other, they have open discussions about what they want, what trade-offs they're willing to make, for each person. So, it does NOT end up with one person giving up parts of themselves or their souls, in order to make the relationship work. It puts it on a balanced playing field.

I can totally relate to what you are saying. After I put my then-husband through Harvard grad school, and it was "my turn" to go for my doctorate....he just happened to lose interest in things. So, I put myself thru as a single mom, student loans, and many jobs (some of which I regret because it so got in the way of me and my son).

So, quid pro quo may not be that romantic, but if it is done up front it can sure be a LOT more equitable than what some relationships are based on. The author didn't say EVERY part of a relationship should be that way, he was more approaching the idea of resolving differences. And, I like the idea.

And, being a "raging feminist" (because I'm pretty old) I don't worry about all the girdle/lipo/makeup/skin cream issues so much. Well, ok, I would like to find something (a skin cream) for all my wrinkles, and used to have to great products, but can't afford them now. But, if someone doesn't like my size or weight, etc. too bad for them! It's sort of like my attitude toward visitors: Love me, love my dogs. If someone doesn't love my dogs, they really aren't that welcome here.

So, if someone wants to criticize me for my lack of beauty, fine...I do not mind at all serving as a bad example for someone insecure enough to have to compare themselves to others in order to feel good. I'm just gonna do what feels right.

I don't know that I've expressed this all that well; I hope it is comprehensible.

Shar