Me too.. I just wonder why they chose me to output all the force of their punches, kicks, slaps etc. I guess I was an easy target, an easy punchbag. I'm trying to start some sort of campaign to have psychological screening for adoptive parents, because my foster parents are the only people who I remember treating me well.. i don't remember much of my childhood with my Mum and Dad, apart from what my Mum told me about my step Dad beating me too..

I will talk to my dr about it and see what he says.. He's been the most helpful person to me throughout all of this, and I'm really grateful for that. Plus, my heart melts every time I see him because he's so good looking! *chuckles*

Connor and I had a huge argument last night, after he found a sheet with the amount of alcohol I'd been drinking, when, where and who with, on my counter.. I've been doing it for my health and wellbeing worker.. Anyway, he started having a massive go at me saying he didn't realise it was such a bad problem and that no matter what I say, it is a huge problem and needs to be dealt with and that I'm stupid, ending up like my own Mother, f*cking up my system and my head etc. I got angry too and said things about how he'd said after I'd come back from doing step aerobics and 'legs bums and tums' workouts, with Dom; a fitness trainer here, "see if you did this every week, the weight would drop off and you'd feel so much better about yourself" i turned around and said "you know, i hate it when you say things in that way.. It'll make me feel better? Yeah, but what you're thinking is it'll make you feel better not having to be with a fat s**t of a girlfriend who's depressed and doesn't know what to do anymore! I hate being so f*cking fat! And you never see that do you?!" It's just not the sort of thing you say to someone whose ED is getting worse, is it? We then completely exploded on each other, I punched a wall and the bed and was literally pulling my hair out with frustration and anger. I was so scared, I cowered in any corner away from him that I could. Not because I'm scared of him, just because of raised voices etc.

I made sure, when he got into bed, that I turned away from him when I got ready for bed and was stood in front of the wall so he couldn't see me.. Even though he partly could. Then I literally scrubbed my face until it was red raw to get the makeup off. I went to get into bed and he said "I don't have to stay in bed if you don't want me to, I can sleep on the floor" I came back quite snappily with "For christ's sake, Connor.. I may seem like a cow, but I'm not such a f*cking ****** as to stop you sleeping with me. *sigh* you're fine where you are." I got into bed and said "If you don't want to sleep with me, then you don't have to, but i want to sleep with you, so it's your choice whether you want to stay here or not" earlier on, when he'd asked if I'd already signed him in as an overnight guest and i had said yes, he'd said "that's a shame" as if to say he didn't want to stay. :@:@!!! That really got to me, so I cried even more and completely broke down.

After a while of staring at the ceiling and realising I'd forgotten to take my meds (which was probably part of the reason I was so easily enraged :S), I got up and took them, then got back in and snuggled up to him. He cried then and I comforted him. We both apologised and he said it's not my fault, it's his.. He should be more compassionate instead of shouting at me, and just talk it through instead of shouting because he knows how much it scares me and such. I said that I understand that it's hard for him because.. Where I've experienced so much, I'm more able to be compassionate with people, when people who hadn't been through this would normally get quite angry and such, which is what he's like because he's not experienced anyone like me. I said "it's like with Sky and Allie. Sky is more compassionate to me, because Allie explained a lot of things to her about depressiona nd such, so Sky understands it and doesn't get angry with me, because me and Allie have been through pretty much the same things and Sky has learned a lot from her, so she's able to be more compassionate, which is why I turn to her so much for help.. I'm trying to help you, that's all Connor.. I know you get angry, but.. Just by being willing to listen and try to understand, not neccessarily accept it, just try to understand why I do/think the things I do, ok? Then I'd come to you more for help etc.. I know you get angry and upset about the fact that I turn to Sky so much over you, but it's not that I want to spend more time with her than I do you, no way is it like that.. It's that she helps me to understand myself a lot more and because you don't understand my thought processes and actions etc. so much, it's hard for you to help, do you see what I'm getting at? There's things I've explained to Sky that, when I forget them, she can remind me and that helps." So, we made up after that.. With the added in make up sex :P

Which, on another note.. Was difficult, again.. I can't have him even breathe on my neck because it reminds me of the rape.. I can't have him stroke my face or legs or anywhere on my body because it reminds me.. It's horrid, but.. I guess for now he's just got to accept it.

I haven't spoken to my dr about the pain, no.. I'll talk to him about it on Monday, plus becaus my hair's been falling out, he asked if my periods had been unusually heavy and I'd said no, because they hadn't, but now they are, and he thinks it could be down to anemia, so.. He checked it on the hospital system after my blood tests after the OD, but nothing came up like that, so I guess it's more tests to be done for me! Woohoo..

I'm really confused about this burn.. I feel like it's quite close to the burn and everytime I hit it, I can't move my finger :S its quite red around the outside and yellow on the inside, so I'm thinking maybe there's a hint of infection there too because it's really painful too.. Any ideas?

Thanks everyone, your replies have been really helpful, I'm just really struggling at the moment, and as I said to Connor last night, I don't realise things are building up so much until I completely explode... So.. I'm kinda stuck as to how to stop that.