EATING DISORDER ~ NOT A PROBLEM?
For thirty years, it has been my struggle
To not talk about my eating disorder is the battle
At times, all so obvious for everyone to see
But, no one really asking about me
Don’t talk it isn’t that bad
Trying to make me talk just makes me mad
Don’t touch this subject because it is mine
I have control and will be just fine
I’ve surrounded it with good defenses
No one will know the self-hatred and the rages
I’m really okay and can handle it on my own
With this I just want to be left alone
I have to have control you see
Even if it is just talking about me
How easy it is to starve
Often tells me that my life was hard
Intense self-loathing and self-hatred
Tells of a heart so wounded
No one will ever know the pain
Of trying to starve again
Know one will know the thoughts in my head
That, at times, I didn’t care if it led to my being dead
Losing the weight is my focus
Yet, I knew that is just the surface
Finally talking after all these years
Makes me feel all my fears
Yet, comfort in finally sharing
With someone loving and caring
No matter my weight the feelings and thoughts always there
I think, all I ever wanted was someone just to hear
I admit it has always been an obsession
To lose weight a constant mission
So angry and feeling out of control
Meds causing me to gain weight has taken a toll
From the weight gain, my clothes are too small
I don’t enjoy shopping for new sizes at the mall
I hate that I can’t control my weight gain
I won’t admit that it has caused so much pain
My scale my friend and my enemy
The rising numbers make me feel tubby
I call myself a “beached whale”
Even if I’m not stepping on the scale
I love when the numbers decrease and I reach my goal
But, I know there is no end, but I feel so in control
My husband so sweet makes sure there is always food
Feels like he is trying to control my eating when I’m not in the mood
I think, I’m tired of constantly thinking about what I eat
For more than thirty years, I’ve tried to be discreet
Talking made everything seem so surreal
I guess, now I’m trying to be real
No one really knows what goes on in my head
Starting to talk is what I know I need to do instead
© 2008 ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps