It's embarrassing that I do so much better on my stims than without them. I quit taking my Vyvanse for 2-3 weeks due to the holiday break. I had some time off, got in the habit of sleeping in late, and I don't like to take the stims too late in the day, so I just didn't. After I'd been off a while, I tried once or twice taking a pill, but fairly late in the day and ended up staying up until the cows came home. So I didn't try that again and felt it was going to be hard coming onto the meds again so maybe I just wouldn't.

Anyway, yesterday, I decided I needed to start taking the Vyvanse again as I am back at work fulltime, I'm taking a course this quarter, I need to get up very early each day and get going, and I was getting nothing done and finding this whole new regimen really hard to handle. So I've been on back on the stims two days now, both times taking early in morning. My energy has been incredible. I'm thinking more clearly. I am getting tasks done. I am not falling asleep. The first day, I was alone in my office because my boss is out of town, and I took an hour out of my day and rearranged the entire floor-to-ceiling bookcase. I threw out old stuff we no longer needed, organized all the books into categories, labeled each shelf, and was able to make lots of room for stacks of books sitting on both my desk and my bosses. Gawd, it's so embarrassing to me that I did this the day I go back on the meds. We have been in this new office for 2 years now and never unpacked all of our old books and now suddenly, it is done. It's like a whirlwind passed through our office and left order in its wake. My boss is going to come back from vacation and wonder WTH happened in here. What should my answer be? "Ummm, the drugs made me do it."

My mood has also been better. I had the c**ppiest session with my therapist the other night. Then the next day, I take the meds, I'm feeling much better, more hopeful, anything is possible.

There is something inside of me that thinks if I only had enough willpower and would buckle down, I could do all these things on my own and not need the meds. Then I take them, and suddenly I am more functional, and it makes me feel so deficient I cannot do this on my own! (Or at least without great difficulty. It's not that I can't do it really, but that somehow it just never gets done. Like I don't have a role in it somehow.) Arrrghh.