Wow. Today is January 11th. In 9 days, I'll officially be celebrating 6 months of sobriety. Not that I'm counting or anything. Okay, I'm one of those people who CANNOT for the life of me live for today, I live for the celebrations and anniversaries... it works for me. I'm a reward-driven person. Since I get a chip if I drag myself to a meeting that week, I'll be thrilled.

Now... here's the situation. I haven't been to AA since last year. I'm thinking it was November. Simply because the snow hit, the woman driving me to meetings drove me bonkers and I just did NOT want to go. I didn't have time as a student and I couldn't be bothered to hang out with a bunch of older people who assumed I'm a "raging alcoholic".

I'm not. I've just got an addictive personality, and I had inklings to abuse alcohol when I was in a bad emotional headspace. Switching addictions can do that to you... anyways, yeah. I never drank excessively or for many days in a row, but apparently if you talk too much about alcohol with uptight friends (they are on some things!) then you're labelled as having a problem.

I don't deny I have an issue with alcohol. So I stopped drinking. Fair? My friend dragged me to my first meeting. I continued to go because I actually knew someone at the meeting (yay, oddly enough).

But I just didn't see the importance of going weekly (definitely not daily) because I don't WANT a constant social group of people with the same problems as me. I'm easily triggered by discussions of stuff, so it's easier to AVOID the triggers than to try to sit through a discussion on something like that that bothers me.

Understand? People still following?

Anyways...

Which brings me to my latest dilemma.

I have almost 6 months of sobriety.

I haven't shown up for probably two months. During that time, I survived Christmas and other stressors *by myself* perfectly fine.

So... should I even be going back? Have I "outgrown" what could be useful for me? Am I even open to it being useful? I own the books, I know the steps... but organized stuff like that drives me insane.

One of the people I know (who drives me insane and probably is an alcoholic... but he's sometimes a good friend when he's not being a jerk) found out about me not attending the meetings anymore.

He seemed "concerned". Then he quite literally "pinky-sweared" (immature, yes) me to go back to the damn meetings.

And I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE TELLS ME TO. Especially since HE SHOULD BE GOING.

Irritating to see people around me who have a worse problem than me who refuse to admit their problem and won't seek help but expect me to...

I loathe that part of dealing with people. I'm a control freak, I admit it. I admit I'm codependent. I admit I'm easily affected by other peoples problems, alcoholics included.

And I feel really dumb writing this all out, so if someone has the urge to smack me upside the head - feel free to do so.