you got it bad girlfriend...I guess I could say I agree with the other replier...but stand back and look at it...it just lays there in it's knot...you know it's wrong...but it makes your blood boil...either the jealous rage or the feeling of your toes curl when he brushes by you or even speaks to you...but...and there always is a but...it sounds like you got a little more out of this than he did...we can't choose who we love...it's either love or it's lust or it's something else...love doesn't make you feel sick...love doesn't send you into rages just because you can't see this person...love would never be as cruel as this guy is being to you...telling you that the only way he would want you is if he is drunk is the sure signs of a player my friend...he likes to watch you squirm...why else would he want to stay friends knowing you feel about him the way you do...but...and there is always a but...take heart...you...my dear friend...are above all this...just from the time you took to write your post tells me he could never handle your passion...your commitment...he is not the one for you if he can't see your dedication...I don't think your mistrust is a bad thing...I think it is your heart and your brain getting together to warn you or to at least make you aware...my advice...kick him to the curb girlfriend cause he ain't a man he's a boy pretending to be a man...but...and there is always a but...I suffer from the same affliction as you...I am way too trusting and I fall like somebody greased my belly and slid me down the bannister of love...you start at the bottom and it's a struggle to get up...but you start at the top and it's all downhill...please I hope you do realize that you must let go...let this battle go and get on with the war...there are other soldiers out there who would appreciate a woman like you...