i can certainly relate to the despair you are feeling (((andy))). the low can drain you of all your mental energy. your description is so right on. have you ever considered why you are afraid to open up in therapy? you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain by letting the "pain" vomit up('scuse the graphic wording).
i have mixed feelings about what you T said to you. perhaps you would feel more comfortable with another T. the relationship with a T should be based on trust. if you don't feel like you can open up perhaps it's because that connection is not there. i realize since you are so vulnerable right now that changing T's might be difficult. just thought i'd throw that thought out to you tho.
as for hospitalization, that might help you. don't know. when i was in the state of mind you are in that worked for me. i was just so tangled up i couldn't make progress. matter of fact i was going backwards. the hospit. for me was good cause i could just focus on me and the rest of the time my brain could take a break...there were no outside stimuli interfering with me. i was able to open up and talk about things that were stuffed for so many years. it was like riding a jet versus riding a bus to get where i was going. it speeded up my recovery.
said enough for now but hope some of my experiences will help you. i hope you find the help you need. please don't give up...you can feel so much better! i know because i went from the darkness of hell to the light of life.
please keep us posted, we care.