Lower than usual.

I've been working on my family tree at the request of my therapist and it just makes me sad to remember all the violence and abuse in my history and the history of my family. My husband's side of the family isn't a whole lot better. I'm supposed to do a genogram with the family tree, tracing all the abuse and violence and relationships but it's just too depressing to do that. I think I'm going to leave it at the family tree stage for now.

It's all stuff that I know but that I try to put out of my mind: my dad 'shooting' my mom with a gun that had blanks in it and then laughing; my dad asking someone to kill my me, my mom and my sister after he had left my mom; someone threatening to kill my dad for him threatening to kill us; my brother attempting to kill my sister; sexual abuse by cousins and parents. It's just all too much.

And I've been looking back through my journals I've kept since 1999 and that doesn't make me feel much better. I'm trying to see the progress I'm making but all I can see is how sick I am/was. I feel like all that sickness is still there, lurking under the surface, waiting to jump out at any moment. How did I get so messed up? Suicidal ideation. Homicidal ideation. Double depression (as if 1x isn't enough ). OCD. PTSD. BPD. Does it ever end?

I'm going to take a deep breath and go out to breakfast with my husband. I don't really want to, but he's sick of me doing nothing all the time.

Just needed to share/vent/rant. Thanks.