what i am feeling is that you have an internal struggle in your mind about alcohol/aa. only you can decide what you are and what you must do. for me it was a difficult stuggle so i can understand some of your thoughts. i was told i was intellectualizing too much and not looking at the problem that was staring me in the face. know that this is just for me.
at first i hated meetings. i felt like it was a life long sentence of going to meetings and hearing people talk about their alcohol problems. in my case it even made me want to drink cause "they" kept talking about it.
as a result i was one of those unfortunates who took it up to the line.."jails, institutions or death". i almost died and haven't experienced the "yets" yet, thank God. so i stood at death's door and had to make a choice. i chose life. and yes, for me that included aa. over time i realized that the meetings reinforced my desire to stay sober. it gave me an opportunity to help those newcomers struggling with their alcohol problems. it gave me support when i needed it. the steps taught me a new way of living that my T said helped me more than he did. i think it's 50-50 but i do know it has changed my life immensely, jme, for the better.
whatever you decide...it's your choice. they have a saying in aa that some people have to go out and do some more "research'. i'm not advocating that but that's what i did. i was able to get the definition i needed but in the long run almost lost my life "researching".
i wish you well and hope you will keep us posted on how you doing. we do care about you.