I fight constantly with this feeling of isolation. The feeling of shutting down completely people from my life. I know this is not good for me as I will become more suicidal and as time will pass I will feel too worthless to make the step to get in contact again or feel I bother too much or people don't need someone as stupid as me in their life. Words of destruction will dance in my mind and I will not come back. I have been there before and I must not do that. That's what avoidance personality does to me.

To help myself not to fall in conplete silence, I give in here a hug or a word of support, my way to stay in contact. I must also be careful when the rejection comes galloping towards me to not put everyone in same bag and shut down, meaning that not everyone rejects me.

Isolation, rejection, falling in silence, shutting down my door to the outside world in real life or online is a constant struggle inside me.

I like so much to share my love with others, this is what keeps me going a lot of time. I'm really trying not to disapear from here, from this site. It is helping me so much to be here among you all. I know this and I'm fighting with my avoidancy all the time. Even while I'm writing this the voice inside of me keeps telling me "do not hit the continue botton , do not say, keep silence, do not reach out".

Thank you! I wish you all a very kind day!
nightdream