I did not develop depression issues untill about ten years ago when my dad died and later came the anxiety and sometimes panice. I guess there was some deptession before but not as bad as I developed and eating disorder in about 1990 and did deal with some depression then so I guess it has been around along time. Truth be told I just don't know what to talk about. We have talked about my weight that bothers me, my lack of friends and no relationships, one issue that happended in my past but I don't know what causes the current depression that comes back. I went through ECT last year and it seemed to work for a short time but I don't know long it really lasted and truth be told I don't think I feel up to going through ECT right now. At my last apt last week my therapist called and had my mom take my pills so I could not have acces to them except what I need at a time it was either that or the hospital. I dd not like either option as I mentioned and at some point she talked to my psychatric nurse clinician who is in charge of my meds. She was not happy she had just seem me before the apt with my therapist and all I said was the depression was a little worst but not bad. I lied and I don't know why I just couldn't admit it. It only came out in therapy because she knows me so well and could tell things were not well so she got it out of me. Today I started scratching my arm wanting to ccut but knowing I can't go that far at least never had just deep scratches. I am worried that things are not getting better and my med provider and I did talk over the phone and she did adjust my meds. It is helping with the anxiety somewhat but not the depression and overall package. I am afraid when I see my med provider and therapist on Wed that they may say hospital since I am not doing better, I am trying to be safe, but still have thoughts of wanting it to end. I am at the apt I may even agree that is wher I belong but I want a choice of hospitals. The one where I had ECT(outpatient) had a good pysch doc but I was in there inpatient program once and I felt like we did nothing all day which did not halp at all; THe hospital in the other town where I have been several times none recent at either you never know who you will get for a doc and one I don't like but they have a much better program which is what helped me last time. Do I get a say in which hospital if they say I have to go. What are my rights. I am so scared and all I want to do is scratch my arms more so the pain I feel is real one I can understand not in my head where I don't understand things. At least with longs sleeves this time of year no one can see what I was doing this morning. Feeling out of control, tears keep coming, anxiety keeps hitting, and my mood is so down my mom checks on me from time to time and is aftaid to go to far. I am ruining everyone's life and I can't seem to get things in control they just keep spiraling down. I think I need help