Thank you, that means so much to me!! made me cry

I had a pretty bad night the other night.. I was talking to Sky and so much came up and she got really upset with me because I was bringing so much up and blaming myself for so much... She said that I was really, horribly torturing myself and she just didn't understand why.. She told me to stop it, but once I was started, I just couldn't let it go.. I couldn't just stop and drop it.. It was like in the argument with Connor I'd shouted "I blame myself for everything. EVERYTHING!! I blame myself for my Dad killing himself, for my Mum being an alcoholic, for us being fostered, for us being put into an adoptive home, for me being kicked out, Sam dying, Chris dying, being beaten all my life apart from during the time that I was with Nanny Doreen and Grandad Don (foster parents), everything to do with you. I DO give a s**t about you, it may not seem like it but I f*cking well DO!!! If anything, I care about you too much, I care about you so much more than I care about myself.. I HATE MYSELF AND EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I HATE ME!!!!!" That shocked him.. I felt bad for saying it because I'd supressed that all along, too.. Nobody knows how much i hate myself, not even my workers.. It's terrible I know.. But I just can't tell anyone how I really feel about myself because I'm afraid that they'll question it and get mad at me or something for blaming myself for things like that.. I feel like they're all my fault because I don't fit in anywhere and because I keep thinking.. Why would I have been beaten, kicked out, shouted at, and picked on all my life if I didn't deserve it?

So many people tell me off for being too hard on myself, but.. It's just.. It's the way I got through such tough times.. I guess it's just something that I feel the need to do to make me toughen up a bit, feel like I'm actually a strong person like so many people say I am and I guess just to get me through these kinds of days.

I did go to the drs about the burn, yes.. And he said it was slightly infected, so gave me some cream and dressings to stop the infection getting any worse. So typing feels a bit strange because I can't bend my finger properly!!

When he asked how college was and I said I'm on top of my work, he laughed and said "that's the first time you've said that to me, well done and keep it up" I laughed too and he said he sounded like a teacher LOL. So, yeah.. I'm being kept on the meds I'm on now but if my sleep doesn't improve anymore, or my mood worsens, then he'll add sleeping tablets and such.