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That technique may have gotten you through in the past, honey, but maybe consider it's time to let it go. You don't need to blame yourself anymore. It could be time to look back on all the hurt and pain and abuse and realize that it really isn't your fault. This is where opening up to your workers will help you. They can help see that there is nothing-nothing at all that you could have done to deserve all that. Of course that's how the abusers wanted you to feel. I still am amazed at your light that has shined through all this--please, talk to them, let them help you make it shine even brighter by realizing it isn't your fault. You take on the weight of the world, honey. Now it's time to just take on you.
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"We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut