I did, yes, I know.. But I was just so angry and upset and such that I really needed to release some of it. Laura laughed when i told her I'd been ranting on a computer lol. Yes, I relaxed quite a bit. Not as much as last time, but quite a bit. My anxiety levels weren't so high this time and she did some anger stuff with me, learning to be calm and such and deal with situations effectively, which was useful. i told her quite a lot and was surprised about that. i think because she's so cheerful and isn't whole-heartedly serious, it helps me to relax a little and tell her things that i wouldn't normally tell people.
She said I need to stop beating myself up about things that happened in the past. They're the past and can't be changed, but I, as a person can change the way i feel about them and see the positive in them, which makes sense.. She said that she can see that I have the confidence there, but I just have to believe in my confidence and in myself a lot more, be less shy about it and more extrovert, like the person deep down wants to be, but is being smothered by a safety net. You know?
It was so enlightening to just.. Hear all these nice things she had to say about me, nd it really lifted my mood.. I mean.. I've had trouble with the police being useless, but they can get on and be useless because I'm taking it into my own hands and making sure something gets done. I do feel a little tearful, but I couldn't just breakdown, not in college.. I really hope I don't feel the same when I'm with Alec because he'll pick up on it and push and push until I do end up ranting at him or crying.. I'll really beat myself up then. And I'll start to stutter as well and that'll just make things worse... *BREATHES!!!*
I know that I had a really cool, and lovely social worker, but I don'[t remember my foster parents, or my adoptive parents, when they started fostering, having to see anyone :S so I don't know. But yeah, I really think this is a hugely disastrous subject and people just don't realise where they're going wrong. Yeah they have police checks, but just because someone doesn't have a criminal record, doesn't mean they're nuts and could physically, sexually or emotionally abuse a child, does it? I don't know how they couldn't have thought of this in the first place. It drives me crazy!
I just wish that the police were more helpful.. i mean.. I still haven't had anyone from victim support get into contact with me. A few people have said to set up a group for sufferers of any form of abuse and I'm thinking about it, but I just don't think I'd have the time.. And I don't know how to advertise it.. And all those other aspects. I guess talking to Abi and Nick would be a good idea, because Abi would say what she thinks about it and nick would be able to come up with ideas on advertising it. Plus, there'd be costs of renting a place for a night a week to run the group and such.
There's so much to think about and I'm all confuzzled and it's like *sigh* but at the same time it's like Yayy!! *waves hands in the air and dances*
Blimey, my shoulders are so tense. I just let them dropped and they dropped hugely! I'm so tense.. I had a headache when I went into my hypnotherapy, but after a while it went away, so I could just concentrate on her voice and just.. being..
Another hour and a half until my meeting with Alec.. Ugh.. What a drag!!! What can i do for an hour and a half? Hmmm I've just seen kate go by, might go speak to her, see how she is getting on with the pregnancy and such. Gahhh! See?! it's me being me again! Caring about others, constantly asking how they are and not thinking about myself at all! It's just a bit annoying.. Laura's given me a sheet to fill out for whenever I think negative thoughts and when where what got me angry and who I was with, what mood I was in before getting angry and then come back to it later on and say what I could have done instead of getting angry.
*sigh* I'm so tired and tense.. And so weak because i haven't eaten all day, but then again I don't plan to. I'm doing well so far and connor probably thinks I've eaten something, so he's not caught on yet.. I wonder how it's going to be on Friday.. When i go to do step aerobics and stuff and I haven't eaten anything.. Dom would go nuts if he found out. he probably wouldn't let me do it until he saw me eat something. I hate eating in front of people as it is. There'd be no chance he'd see me eat :S
Sky said not to take it too far and if I feel myself taking it too far I have to talk to her, but I just know she'll try talking me out of it.. I can't be talked out of it.. i'm too fat to carry on eating.. If I could post a picture i would.. I'll try at some point. You'll all say "oh but you're so pretty" just like everyone does, but.. I'm not!!