I just posted in the anxiety and phobia section. I'm completely panicking about this.

I have new photos up on my myspace page now.. And the others are almost 2 years old now.. I can't help but starve.. i need to, It's the only way that I'll feel beautiful, that I'll feel like I fit in, that I'll feel that I'm good at SOMETHING, ANYTHING..
I have listened to all that you've said and taken it in, but sometimes, I just can't help but take everything out on myself.. If I don't do it physically, I do it mentally.. Idk, I can't just *stop* doing it.. I know that Sky understands and that you understand, but I just don't seem able to just drop this, let it go.. I haven't had enough time.. I've only, in the past couple of months started properly thinking and talking about all of it..

What do I say to Alec though? I can't just blurt it out, surely.. I mean, I'm tempted to start off by saying that I've been thinking about things in a lot more depth more recently and started actually thining about how I really feel about them and so on and so forth.. But I know I'll just chicken out.. this is the first time I'll have ever spoken about it and I'm terrified.. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about ym Dad comitting suicide and about my Mum being an alcoholic.. I mean.. We went through this last week and he said "but what did you do to cause that?" and i was like idk.. and he said "if anything, you were a tiny, tiny proportion of your Mum becoming an alcoholic and your dad comitting suicide.." then I said that I guessed the main reason Mum became an alcoholic was because of Dad comitting suicide and the main reason for Dad comitting suicide was because him and Mum split up

But yet.. I still blame myself for everything... And i just can't seem to stop it, no matter how much people reassure me of the reasons for such things, or reassure me that it's not my fault that my adoptive parents and step dad beat me, it's because they got some sort of sick fun, power out of it..

When I spoke to Laura, she said 2on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest, 1 being the lowest, how would you rate your confidence today?" I said "today..? Uhh.. Well, actually today.. I feel i'm on about a scale of 7. I feel quite confident today, but not completely" "Ok, and in general?" "In general, about 4.." Then she did the same but with anger and how much in control of it I think I am I aid "uhhhm. About a 3 I guess" and gave an uneasy laugh, because i felt embarrassed about the fact that I can't control my anger because I'm never able to recognise when I just push things down and when they're building up and they've built up to the max and I explode.. I can never recognise when they're building up too much.. So, Laura's going to work on that with me too. I was twitching a lot today in hypnotherapy and could feel/"see" (my eyes were closed) something flickering in the corner of my right eye and then realised that the rapist had come into view. I panicked, hence why my anxiety levels didn't drop so low as normal. Laura said my anxiety levels drop quite quickly which is great, because not many people have that ability to just relax so quickly. I guess it's because she's female and I trust her, whereas if it was a male hypnotherapist, my anxiety levels would be sky high. They probably wouldn't budge at all.. But just.. Certain things, like the rapist and other things just kept popping up in my mind and I was trying so hard to concentrate on her voice and it did help a little. It was a good distraction. She said that my anxiety levels dropping quite quickly hsows that I do put an awful lot of effort into it, that I try my best to focus all my attention on her.. I didn't tell her about the rapists face coming into the picture, looming over me.. i was too scared that she might say that we should stop it for a while, because it helps more than anything.. It doesn't make me worse..

Anyway, I'm just feeling really, horribly sick at the moment because I'm so anxious about this meeting with Alec. What to do???