And i'm terrified.. I'm anxious, biting my nails, picking, fiddling, shaking, and I probably look really anxious too.. He's going to pick up on all of it, i know he is and he's going to ask about it and I'm going to stutter and stumble and get really angry with myself and I feel really, really, really sick and I'm like argh and all over the place and panicking and such.. What do I do? If I was stood up, I'd be running around with my hands in the air, pacing, not knowing what to do with myself in the lead up to it... Help?

My god.. It's onyl in an hour and I'm still not calm.. Even after an hour of trying to calm myself down, I just can't. What if he asks how everything is? What if I give away how i'm really feeling? What if I just blurt out that everything feels wrong, so, so wrong and that nothing is going my way right now and I just don't know how to deal with it or anything and i feel so weak and so ill and so rubbish and so unable to deal with anything right now because I have so many different emotions running around my body and.. and..

*sigh* I'm going crazy! I feel like I'm losing my mind and this is the first time I've ever got so, so panicky about our meetings.. Connor's picked up on how quite i've been and how fiddly and stuff and has asked if i'm ok and I've just said yeah, I'm just tired that's all.. but no, that's not it at all.. if anything, I'm too weak yet still have so much adrenalin running throuhg my body and i'm like argh! what do i do? and argh! Where do i go? and argh! what do I say? and argh! Who do I talk to?

I'm trying to use the techniques that Laura gave me but I feel like i'm about to explode and such and I just need to take a breather and let it all out, but at the same time I'm absolutely terrified of crying in front of Alec.. I'm terrified of telling just how much I blame myself for, just how much I blame myself for everything that's ever happened to me, dad committing suicide, mum becoming an alcoholic, us going into foster home, us being adopted, me being beaten as a 2 yr old by my step Dad, me being beaten up by my own twin all my life, me being beaten by my adoptive family.. Me being the easy one to pick on, me being kicked out, me being raped, me being hated where I live, me being pushed away when i go to get jobs, me being unwanted, me not fitting in anywhere, me not being able to talk to the people that care, me trusting the wrong people, me doing so much wrong to cause me to be beaten as a kid, yet not knowing what I did wrong, Sam dying, Chris dying, Georgie going into hospital, Connor being depressed, Connor's college work slipping, Shana making MY dog give birth when she's far too young, me leaving my dog behind, me leaving my cousin behind, me leaving my cat behind, me being so *******ed depressed, me being so messed up in the head and so panicky and so easily confused and frustrated and upset and shaky all the time.. See? It's all my fault... Everything. Yet everyone is always saying to me "you did nothing to deserve this, you did nothing to deserve that.." then why the hell did all this crap happen to me?!

I don't want sympathy that's not what I'm out for, I just want to understand why so many things in my life have messed up.. Bryony's life isn't so messed up as mine. Because she doesn't deserve it, even if she was the more naughty, mischievious kid, they obviously don't care.. He obviously doesn't care.. Why is He letting all this happen to me? I started to believe in Him, but He just keeps making everything so hard for me.. Wait.. no.. It's not his fault.. it's mine.. Again.. i bring it on myself somehow, don't ask mehow, i just know I do somehow.

I want to email Kate, Connor's tutor and talk to her, tell her how panicky I am and how crappy things are for me at the moment and how much I'm struggling, but I'd just be a burden to her as well as everyone else that I burden with all this.. maybe I should just delete this, because I'm just burdening more people..

Maybe stop talking to Alec because I'm a burden to him, and Kim, and Abi, and Nick, and Laura and all the other people that I talk to about all these things.. I'm so unconfident and somehwo it's all my fault.. They had a reason for making me so unconfident for telling me that I'll get nowhere in life and that I'm just a waste of space who is a punch bag t-to let their anger out on, to beat when they need to get rid of some tension, some upset, some anger and frustration.. To shout at and scream at and push and pull around and shove and push to the floor and stamp on, use as a doormat.. A slave to do all their dirty work..

My god, the shaking's getting worse and I'm getting weaker and weaker as time goes on, I can't think straight, my headache's coming back, I'm losing my mind, seriously.. i don't know what I'm even doing here sat typing and stuff..