Hello all, thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and give me your thoughts. I am a man in mid fifties married to a wonderful woman and have three great kids, but I feel mad/upset,rejected majority of the time. I am a professional guy, extremely successfull in most things (work, sports, etc), hard-driving, compulsive, perfectionistic, intelligent and somewhat narcissistic. She has master level training but is stay-at-home mom (donates tons of time to schools, charities, etc). She is honest, caring, smart, an outstanding mom, generous, funny, trustworthy, and pretty much loved and adored by anyone who knows her. She truly is, a gem. We have been married 20 years.
Except for when we were very first dating, she has never been demonstrative with her affection for me, in fact, I can count on one hand how often she has complimented me or acted like she was excited to see me. She acknowledges this, says she has always been non-demonstrative (her whole family is this way). Once we had kids, it seemed that sex was a chore to her. She was always willing but never seemed to really want it. She has gained a lot of weight and is mildy obese, and now snores so loud we have to sleep in separate beds. I am repulsed by her obesity, and take it as a personal rejection of her lack of desire to change it. She used to work out all the time and had a nice figure. In fact, in our many discussions prior to getting married I told her how important it was to me that we both stay active and healthy throughout our marriage, and she agreed wholeheartedly. I admired her drive. Now she spends tons of time on the computer or watching TV, and gets winded walking up the stairs. I have tried to talk with her many times about this, and need for us to get closer again, but she just resents me not accepting her "as she is" and doesn't seem to want to talk about it. I know there are things she doesn't like about me and I tried asking her to work on our relationship by jointly reading self-help books (like, "10 lessons to transform your marriage"),but unless I keep pushing it, she eventually drops out. Whenever we try to talk about it, she gets so upset she cries and then is ice for a week. She resents my controlling ways. One important character note- she has a very difficult time expressing anger outwardly.
For the past year I have regressed and made a vow with myself that I would never initiate sex with her again, never "court" her again as I felt so rejected by her. I stopped paying her compliments or flirting with her. (I realize this is childish, by the way, I am not very proud of this). We now have sex maybe once a month, initiated by her. It is quite mechanical. Sometimes I pretend that I can just take us back to when we were dating...I'll start showing her lots of affection, bring flowers, pay more attention. It seems to help for a while, but then I begin to notice that she is doing nothing in return and never seems genuinely glad to see me and I feel like an idiot, like she really doesn't want me. I then retreat back into my cold, angry, resentful self. I fantasize a lot about having an affair, just to have someone tell me some nice things and make me feel wanted. I would never do this because I love her and am committed to my wedding vows, but boy it is a powerful fantasy. The funny thing is, SHE is the one I really want but feel I don't have.
Wow...I wrote a lot...it has felt good to get this off my chest and I welcome ANY feedback (please don't pull any punches, I promise you I value pure, unedited feedback more than anything else).