Powerful words, ncguynva.
Some of which I can relate to...for me, I have to recognize there are things that cannot be covered by them. I needed to morph them into what is pertinent in my own life.

The sadness and disappointment are so very hard to work through, but I have faith in you, ncguynva.
Jmo, don't rush through them. You don't want to wallow/chew on them but please don't deny them...men will sometimes devalue these feelings and think they should buckle up.
Grieving over a lost loved one, no matter the way it happened, is a powerful and draining journey. It does get easier and we learn as we go, but it never truly leaves us. We adapt, we do our best to move forward, sometimes we fall flat on our butts, but we can't ignore our sorrow...

It's tremendously difficult to understand that a relationship is toxic to us. Perhaps it wasn't always that way and so we keep trying to "make it all better." It does not get better; it gets the best of us. We become so entangled in what ifs that we can no longer see the truth.

ncguynva, you are right about military wives. It takes a special woman to be one. That too is a journey for them. It's usually a shocker when the realization hits home that the military career comes first...it does not mean the wife is not important...she is but in a different way. Acceptance of this and embracing it are grow-up time. The majority do it...
It's not a reflection on the worthiness of any woman who cannot accept it; it's just part of their personality that they need something else.
All married couples have things to work through; trusting their faithfulness is usually not one of them.

ncguynva, I'm not preaching...I'm speaking from experience and sharing with you.

Peace, my friend, peace. It's elusive now, but it will come to you...be as patient with yourself as you can.

Cap