He's been through this with me before though and I know he just wants to help, but it'll just make me cry if he starts reeling off all the bad things about starving myself and such.. My stomach's been grumbling all day.. My friend, Tom noticed it and I think he's starting to catch on. he asked if I was ok earlier, I just smiled weakly and said "yeah I'm fine I just feel a bit.. Blergh"

Seriously.. I feel like throwing up.. To get rid of everything that's in my stomach, all of that fat that's being absorbed still from 2 days ago.. yes, it's been 2 days already..
I just know that if I take this into myu meeting tomorrow and say to Alec.. "I'm on day 3 of starvation, so that's 3 down, 18 days left to go" he'll try and stop me.. I mean.. I know that I'll go further than that if my weight just isn't low enough.. This is what it was like last timeand I got out of it, so when I want to get out of it this time, I'll be able to, right? In 3 weeks time I'll be able to.. Please.. Reassure me I will because i really don't want to stop right now.. I'm doing so well.. If I make it past just 3 days, I'll feel good, but I have to make it 3 weeks.. First it was 2 but now it's 3 because that's half of the amount new Years' resolutions are held for etc. Up until Easter..

See.. Easter's another thing i've been thinking about.. All that chocolate, nowhere to hide it, I don't want to eat it and yet.. i'd feel too guilty if I just threw it away.. If it's money I've spent on food it's fine, but anyone else, it's not..

God, the panic attacks are coming back even worse, i've got a horrid pain down my back and I'm typing so fast I can barely see where my hands are going!

Help me! I need to feel that I can just.. Be calm for at least ONE day...