Refusal to follow the right path, therapy, compliancy to meds. will only continue to keep you in this dangerous, and non productive state.
You need to be sure to have honesty with your pdoc, asert yourself, not hiding behind other identities, really demand a mental health professional works with "you".
There is hope, takes awhile but you can put this stuff in remission, don't give up on yourself
I wish you luck with this, I know it is very frustrating.
Take care now,

DE