Hi -- I lived your situation quite recently, and feel for you.

I agree with much of the above -- she is probably depressed; keep in mind that is hard some people to admit. It is also probably a spiral - the less exercise and more ice cream creates more depression.

I agree that if your emotional connection can be put back, the physical side will take care of itself. We each create our own love, but we have to create it everyday. You appear to still love her and want to help her and you can. Trying to help her will actually create that for you -- I know it sounds odd, but it does - especially if you do it unselfishly -- do it for her -- not you, or your marriage. She needs it. She will respond in kind -- maybe not immediately, but I bet she will. If she doesn't, what have you got to lose? You will have helped your wife and figured out that maybe you need to make radical changes to your relationship - you will be better off for it.

How to help her -- constructively. If she is overweight, she knows it and everything is mechanical b/c she feels ugly; she is probably picking up on the feelings you have about her too. Help her get healthier -- by doing stuff together. But realize -- she isn't ready to jog 10 miles right now. Think up ways to try to reconnect emotionally while hitting some exercise or better food choices. You say you used to exercise, etc - -- maybe recreate romantic walks you used to have earlier in your relationship. Maybe ask her to help you with something. Most people are willing to help -- "walk" through a problem on your mind, etc.

People change -- you have, she has -- try to find out about her like when you were first married - she might surprise you with some of the things you thought she knew. Similarly - and this is hardest but most important -- work on you -- look at you -- what do you need to fix? what are you not doing or what are you doing that is bad -- are you passing judgement without information? She will see the changes and you will reap benefits all the way around.

Good luck -- you are me in many ways -- I haven't reached the point I dreamed of yet, but I am not done yet and my path has been so worthwhile.