Hi LMo. Thank you so much for your responses. I truly appreciate them, and learn from them.

Well, many things that made Nate's ex appear "controlling" were unsaid. So, only you can decide if that shoe fits for you. You seem very aware of, and able to reflect on and process your behaviors and the exchanges that you two have, so I wouldn't really worry about being or appearing "controlling".

And, yes, I do think that there were other factors besides just being controlling. I think that she was very loving and well-meaning and that she did for Nate what he wasn't doing for himself. We oftentimes call that enabling. I am recalling the post recently about the differences between helping and enabling.

I think that she "needed" Nate to be someone that he wasn't and her motives were more than just helping out of love. We can all be guilty of that from time to time. I have fond feelings for Paula (his ex) but I think that it forces him to have to be more responsible and aware to not have her in his life. The flip side of that is he stays in contact with us less and is less stable without her "help".

It is a difficult situation to love and support someone like Nate and your boyfriend. I do not have to interact with Nate on a daily basis like you must with your boyfriend.

The greatest thing that I learned being married to an addict is that at some point I had to take the focus off him and put it on myself. That was difficult for me. But when I did my life became much better. So did my children's. I did not ever quit loving their dad, but I could not keep them and myself happy and safe being in a committed relationship with him.

Each one of us has to learn to question why we "love" the people we love. Well, I say that, and I know many people that are happy and content to NOT look at those kinds of issues. I guess that what I meant was that I had to look at myself and why I was staying with someone with such deep and painful issues.

I have some regrets for staying so long with Nate's dad. And yet, I would do it exactly the same given the same situations. Not because I wouldn't want the opportunity to do some things over, or better, but strictly because I have accepted that I was where I was and that it "takes as long as it takes" and that however long that is, it is okay.

The same with you. As you work toward that balance of how much focus to give your boyfriend vs how much to give yourself I have a hunch that this issue with him will fade more in time.

I just had another one of those personal "aha" moments as I was writing to you. I guess that what I struggle with with Nate, is NOT making him the identified patient in our family. I am struggling with taking honest and open looks at him because I fear that I am making him the identifed patient in our family or that I did that, somehow.

I am not sure whether it was you or someone else that asked what Nate's counselor said about him years ago when we were all in counseling. He really felt like "nothing" was wrong with Nate. He really liked him and reported to me that he saw himself as a kid in Nate. He worried more about my other son, Joe.

Joe did go through very angry moments. Years of them. And Joe was my biggest handful. Yet, he has made a wonderful, fully functional man. I adore him.

Nate was more internalized anger. Joe openly demonstrated it.

Oh brother! I am just rambling. I am flooded with thoughts and feelings and memories of those precious kids. I love them so much. Right now my two year old needs some attention and I better take advantage of these moments while they last. (So 20 years from now I won't be writing about him, too. hehe)

Thanx again for your caring and thoughtful responses. I look forward to talking with you more about this.

Have a good day!