ncguynva,
So many things for you to face with honesty...
I believe in you

Jmo, and feel free to tell me to FO. It's been said to me before...many times.
I can be blunt and I do not intend to hurt anyone, but it does sometimes.

What I'm "reading" within your words, and again it is just my opinion.
"Good housewife/housewife activities" might just be a euphemism that you were already aware, but had not admitted it, that she was being unfaithful. It's much easier to place blame on it than to admit you were betrayed...

The other side of the coin is that many women are not the housewife type--I'm one of them. No one can can eat off my floor, but ya won't get a dreaded disease.
A reaction to my mother's style of housekeeping that you could eat out of her toilet! That is not a joke...
Many times compromises can ease things, sometimes it won't.

It honestly doesn't sound like housework was the ongoing issue...perhaps mistrust and having a need to feel some control were/are part of the discord.

ncguynva, it's good that you are reflecting on these things.
It's painful, it can cause anger, and it can make you doubt yourself. It's also worth every bit of it.

If I can make a suggestion, journal some of these things. It can be as short and simple as you like, or you may cut loose and let it all out.
This is not a simplistic suggestion.
From my own journaling, I was able to see a continuing "thread" of action, mine and others, that helped me separate
and disentangle what had become one big freaking mess.
Saying that I was overwhelmed did not come near describing my state of mind.
Writing things down--or in my case typing--made me focus and forced me to be honest. I absolutely hated it whenever I saw that I was the main contributer to a painful situation.
**I'm not implying this is what is true of you**
But, yes, we all contribute to situations...

Grief is apparent in your posts, jmo.
The currently recognized stages of grief apply to the end of marriages, too, ncguynva. You've lost a loved one and it hurts.
When you sift through all the details, the loss is apparent. It leaves you feeling raw and empty and WTF...

Please, if you have access to counseling then go for it. Not comfortable with it being connected to the military? Yeah, I understand that one...
Seek it locally. Either a private therapist (see if you qualify for a sliding scale on the fee) or an agency through United Way--a community based resource. Your confidentiality is respected.
At least keep posting and let us know how you are doing...posting is actually journaling but in a smaller way.

It's my belief that you already know what you need to do, but you haven't reached the point of doing it. Make progress at your own pace and don't let anyone tell you differently.

You are a good and worthwhile human being. Asking for respect and to be shown dignity is not an outrageous request.
It's a healthy one, and a necessary one if you are to have self esteem. Defining yourself and not allowing others to do it...

Peace and Power to you,
Cap