well everyone, its been very up and down. I havent felt like posting because im still abusing every few days.. god help me but the withdrawls and terribly cramping stomach pain just gets me and i end up taking enough to kill the withdrawls, which at this point is still too much.

I AM making SOME progress.. it seems to be the withdrawls(physical) that end up in me relapsing.. I cant even begin to describe.. well i guess I can..its like having the worst case of gastroenteritis(yukky i know) that you have ever had, the cramping and, ill be frank, running to the washroom every five min that gets me. Add to that the anxiety, restlessness and restless legs at night, lack of motivation and energy and of course, the rebound pain.. its just so much to deal with. I've been avoiding this forum because for some reason i feel if im not managing i dont deserve to post.. and that I am embarassed to say I havent managed to quit yet.. or at LEAST get back to the level my doc says to take if i need it. See thats the thing, I can accept that I may always have to occasionally use codeine for the fibro - but with me it seems an inch is a mile if you know what I mean. Its a big problem right now because my tolerance is so high that the regular amount does nothing for pain.. i have to take enormous amounts. So i really need to get back to square one, and the only way I am going to do that is if i get off completely for a couple of weeks. I need to do this, but its so damned hard. I have always had a hard time with the physical side of things. Like with my anxiety, i have a hard time with the physical manifestations of panic attacks - the mental i can usually handle. Its the feeling like a heart attack in my chest that gets me out of control. So with the withdrawls thats whats holding me back now.

I also realized that some part of me has this indignant little voice who doesnt WANT to stop. Thats the voice that wants to be able to use codeine for energy and motivation and that little bit of euphoria. That voice says things like "Quit? Why? I dont want to. You Cant Make Me.nah Nah Nah boo boo." And it sounds like a childish eight year old who wont put away the toys..lol if that makes sense.

So here I am, just me, not totally better but trying at the very least. I have an appointment with a therapist in a couple of weeks and Im hoping he can help me.