I'm sorry that you see accusations of abuse in Capp's replies. Do you think maybe that triggered you a little because your wifes therapist I think it was said that you were abusive? I loathe cleaning too, but it's something I have to do, and especially when I didn't work, there's no reason I couldn't pick up the house--you're right, when people stop over or you bring the guys home, you don't want to be embarrassed. No one does. Obviously housework wasn't the issue with you guys, but being upset about not having control that the house wasn't clean isn't neccessarily a bad thing, and I don't think capp was saying it is. I don't want to speak for her, but maybe it's something to look at. If she didn't work all day and you come home to a messy house, you are right--what did she do all day? It's out of your hands and that's frustrating. I know you're ultimate issue is trust and the lying and cheating. There's so much to get to the why of it, though. And you know what I found? There was no why with mine. It's just the way he was. I wasn't deficient, there wasn't things lacking in our marriage--except for his inability to tell the truth and stay true. Anyway, just try not to take offense at the things that are said--use what you can and throw the rest away. From what I've heard, you are not abusive and not controlling. Only you know the real you and if it doesn't apply to you, throw it away. I know this is a God-awful hard time for you and emotions are raw, just remember that you don't have to take all or any of the advice here.