Yes, it feels incredibly out of control for me.. I've eaten, which helped me feel a little better because I wasn't weak and feeling ill from the hunger pangs, but I'm still restricting, which Connor doesn't know about and he's been saying the weight's been dropping off me.. Which I don't agree with.. I still see myself as hugely fat.

I was cooking the other day and caught my finger on the grill whilst getting some food out that I was cooking. I picked apart the blister and it got infected, so it's dressed now, but I'm getting it re-dressed in a bit to make sure it gets better, I've got cream for it too..

Therapy yesterday was really, really hard. Alec got me so close to tears, but the guard just wouldn't drop. GRRRR!! So got even more frustrated.. I was panicking before it because I'd just cut.. 53 days I'd been without.. And my leg was still bleeding when I went to see him, so I kept leaning down and squeezing my leg to stem the bleeding, hoping to God that he wouldn't see the blood on my foot.
I got home feeling frustrated that I hadn't cried and cut again, even going over the other cuts over and over, making them worse, causing myself even more pain, but I just didn't care.. I then trudged, bloody-footed to hospital and had to have 3 or 4 stitches in my leg.. I've never done it so bad on my leg before and never near my ankle.. Last time it was my upper leg. So, yeah.. i was in the hospital and I heard my favourite nurse in the cubical next to me. As soon as she heard my name being called, she leaped up and rushed over to me, looking at my leg (she looked really sad ) and said how she'd been asking all her colleagues if I'd been in, if they'd seen me and such. She'd been worrying so much! She asked how things were and I told her the police had let me down again and she looked really p*ssed off with that and quite upset by it. But she said that she's glad to have not seen me in a couple of months, but not, in the way that she was really worried that I was in the psychiatric ward or something, or had been sectioned.

The session with Alec was so tough.. I mean, I saw my health and wellbeing worker, Jason about an hour before and we'd talked about some really difficult stuff, too.. He'd been talking about my scars and stuff and how he self harms in the way of smoking.. He didn't realise that he did, but now he does, he's trying to quit. So, that helped a little, but it got me thinking about lots of things and because Alec and I had talked about a lot of deep stuff, and I'd almost cried because he was saying about how he'd seen a girl earlier on in the day, whose Dad had died and Alec had felt sad and cried afterwards because it reminded him of when he was her age and his Dad died. So, that got me going.. But the conversation went onto something else, and the guard just wouldn't drop. GRRR!

The bleeding didn't stop after two hours.. I was sat in the hospital for another half an hour waiting, and blood was dripping on the floor and then I was seen to.. The worst part was the injection of anesthetic.. it's not the needle going in, it's the bloody anesthetic that stings the most! So yeah, I was in a considerable amount of pain then, because my leg's not used to being cut there.. And he put some stuff on it that really, really stung, but I just gritted my teeth and let him get on with it.

So, today I'm not feeling so great. I'm feeling ill and hungry and tired and my leg is killing me.. Connor doesn't know yet because he's suffering quite a bit with his depression at the moment, so I can't talk to him about it yet. He's worrying about money and college and such, because he's just got given a load of money from his Dad, for his driving lessons (he's doing a crash course over 5 days and then he's passed) and he just thinks that he's going to spend it all if he's not careful... So, I'm trying to help him with that. If anything I'll keep his card so he can't get to his account in any way, unless he really needs the money.

Which is another added pressure on me, I know.. But I just can't help but feel like I need to help him, need to be there for him.. You know? I tried my hardest not to put a front on, there were a couple of times when I felt my face completely relax and drop into a frown when I was upset and such, but I tried my best to keep as much eye contact as possible.. He picked up on that and said "strangely enough, now you mention eye contact, you're keeping really good eye contact with me today. Is that because you're hiding behind your glasses?" I said no, that I just picked up on the fact that whenever I was talking about real difficult stuff, I avoided eye contact and I told him that I find it extremely hard to talk to people face to face and he understood. So, I feel a little better for telling him the truth.

I just wish that i didn't put myself through so much pain.. But I just.. Feel like I'm failing everyone at the moment and like I deserve to be punished for it.