I have eaten today, yes.. Still restricting.. But Ive eaten something.. I tried avoiding lunch, but couldn't. My stomach was wreaking havoc on me.

I am being really tough on myself, I just can't seem to help but be so tough on myself.. I know it doesn't exactly help me.. But.. I just can't seem to help it... I'll try and not hate myself for being where I am and I'll try to just let it come naturally (letting the guard drop).

I also managed to show my true emoiotns to Alec today and yesterday and I'm glad that I did. It was tough because I was talking about how I was struggling with eating again and he was being real tough on me and I just wanted to fight against it, even though I knew that he was right. He said that from a lot of what I say in emails and to his face, he can see that I'm beginning to think cognitively, which is good and that I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. I never used to be hard on myself in our meetings, but now I am. All the time and he always challenges it and I don't realise it until he does, which is a bit annoying.

I feel like i'm fail;ing everyone because I'm slipping back into eating disordered habits, I'm losing myself completely, i mean come on.. What knid of sane person says "I'd rather stab the s**T out of them tbh, other than just proving them wrong that I'll be depressed and such, and proving to myself that I can and will be happy etc." And with the cutting, i feel I've failed everyone, with my thinking, with the way I'm so hard on myself..

If I was punished all my life then surely I deerved it, so surely I deserve it now...?