I no longer think understanding why I did/do something I don't wish to is as important as just not doing it! Only actions really count in the end? Yes, we have to first see what we're doing before we can work on changing the behavior but it's the behavior change that wins in the end, not the understanding?

I understand that some people take a long time to change; I was in therapy from 1978 until 2005 afterall, but I literally changed and grew, made different/better choices while I was in therapy. I got married in 1989 and my relationship being so good was a direct result of my therapy from 1978-1987 and what skills I learned.

I would look carefully at your wife's actions, rather than spend too much time trying to understand her or decide whether what she or her therapist allegedly has to say makes sense. If she just wants the money you represent, is afraid of not having it, that's her problem, not yours! If she isn't working to become closer to you, communicate better with you (whether or not you yell, that's your problem; but congratulations on working so hard and succeeding on doing less of that) then I don't see how she is working on the marriage?