Trigger warning for mention of SA.......

My session last night was all over the place as usual, but somehow I seem to get more out that way.

I started off talking to T about how I left with all this stuff running through my brain after last session. I then said, I feel pretty uncomfortable being there after crying in front of you last session, she asked me if there were anything she could do to make it easier for me in times like that. I answered no, its just me.

As the session went on, we talked some about when I was around 8 years of age, I was talking about a 40 year old man who was always at our house, who use to watch us all the time. He was one of my abusers, I told my T that I went to his house sometimes as well. I was ashamed that I did. I was drawn there because even though he did horrible things to me, he treated me really well to. He gave me attention, something I never got at home. It was all very confusing, then it hit me. Why did my mom let me stay over a single mans home at 8 years of age? What mom lets her daughter do that? There was money involved, he use to give my parents money all the time. I wondered about that.

She asked me where my mom was in all of this, I said she was there but she was using at the time, I would see her do this alot, needle in hand and I hated it. I felt bad for her. I talked more about things that went on and she kept saying she was sorry. Then she looked at me and said, we need to find that little girl, little ******** who is in there and hurting. She said it a few times, I didn't know what to say, I just sat there with my head down. Then she says, we need her to feel loved.

Then she asks me, what made you want to live?......I had no words for awhile, I just sat there quiet, with my head down.........all that came to me was, I don't know, I really don't know. I said maybe it was my younger siblings. I knew they needed me.

I left the session still pondering what made me want to live......I think it's love.......I just wanted someone to love me..........kept hoping someone, somewhere would love me.......that's what kept me going....that's what keeps me going.

More than anything, I want to feel loved for once in my life. I want to be able to accept that, I have never been able to let anyone love me, yet it's the very thing I desire.

Then in my mind I began to criticize that. That the reality is, I will never be able to receive it. I am too damn afraid to let anyone get that close to me, I can't let them see this horrible side of me, the side that no one knows. I think this whole thing is impossible and sometimes I wonder why I ever try.