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i blocked off all awareness of being split until sometime in my early 40's when my counselor recognized it and began to work with me as a multiple.
for several years i fought the dx and had really strong denial alts who's job was to deny we were multiple. i too experienced satanic ritual abuse and these abusers did such vicious things to me as a small child that i had to hide even from myself or go insane or take my life.
i feel like i have two versions of my life as a child. i had a boring, quietly unhappy childhood, in which i had no idea i had any kind of abuse. but by 18, i wanted to die so bad it scared me. i was 29 before someone looked at me one day and said, "you did know you were abused, right?" then my second life history began to trickle up into my memory and old memories began to have added information in them with an even darker explanation.
my counselor learned how to work with did'ers on me and her other clients. i've been working for 14 years trying to get healed of the nightmare of my life since infancy. no one helped me but this counselor and one other person who believed me. my own husband will not believe that i am a did'er. he denies my past and my healing has taken 14 years partly due to the stress of trying to not switch/be any other alter around him. it is exhausting. but, both of my daughters believe me. they saw me switch over and over.
bottom line: i believe that did is a gift, a certain bent of mind that enables us to escape the hell we are thrust into thru creative dissociation. when i finally accepted that i am who and what i am, i have healed so much more. . i am now grateful and less afraid. i will be able to get by in life. i hope things get better for you too soon.
leslie and her pixies
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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