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yes, sannah, we are very afraid to reveal our feelings, especially tears. we had more than one sadistic abuser who would do things to upset us deliberately, and then would punish us if we got upset or showed emotion. they were so coldly cruel and twisted. i used to cry maybe once a year before we got to the falling apart stage around 15 years ago when the pain and dysfunction in my life began to overwhelm the defences developed while in the hands of abusers.
at some point i was "trained" by being deprived of oxygen or held under water until i learned to "control" my emotions - which really means i learned how to dissociate and pass off the terror, pain to other alts who bore this horror for the sake of the child we were.
i wish i had understood and accepted earlier that EVERY ONE OF MY ALTS IS DOING SOMETHING THEY THINK IS SERVING OR RESCUING THE PERSON WE SHARE. even when my alts
have done things that seemed wrong to me - they were convinced they were doing it for our sake. the more i accept all my alts as me and all as valid - the better i do and the systems of alts do.
hugs, sannah and friends,
leslie and pixies
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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