NCguy...I had avoided reading this thread, primarily because of the opening title..."Understanding=forgiveness." I DO know about understanding and forgiveness, even when I was the naive one being taken advantage of. Even in those situations, however, the one to be forgiven and healed was MYSELF. So I avoided this thread.

Now, having read all the responses...it's a long thread here...I have a few thoughts, though my mind is a bit garbled from all the feedback! I'm going to speak plainly and to the point, maybe even bluntly.

In reading all the posts in this thread, from you and others, it is still unclear to me whether you have children with this woman. You've said she wanted to stay at home and be a wife and mother. Do you have any children with her? I ask, and maybe you answered this question previously, and I missed it. But the issue of parenthood really does complicate things regarding support and money.

Speaking from one who knows what it is to truly love a man (though I am solo today), I can tell you that any man who is truly loved would not have to deal with the issues of infidelity with which you've had to tangle. That, on top of being deployed to Iraq, which is difficult under the most ideal circumstances in a relationship..,you are worried about what she's doing, and who she is with! This wife of yours is giving you a great deal of stress and heartache.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect that a home be kept somewhat tidy, especially if the wife is staying home all day, not working, and has no children. I don't see this as "controlling," but more like it's part of her "job" as a stay-at-home wife. She should want to create a pleasant environment for the two of you. I'm confused on this matter, though...You mentioned her going out with "construction" people. Is this a job? Adding to this issue of the house, I too am no tidy home keeper, but I've found that most clutter can be tidied within an hour or less...not a big chore.

My overall impression is that you are being taken advantage of...primarily for your income. Sorry to say this.

My other thought is about your contact with this other woman online via emails. Not a good idea at this time for you. You have far too much going on to be engaging with another female. You need to assess your present situation and decide what is healthiest for you to do at this time before seeking the company of another!
Patty